Naughty Boys And Girls
This is the story of how my rotten cats thoroughly destroyed my VERY expensive designer sofa by using the corner as a scratching post. It happened subtly, over time, so at first I wasn’t even sure what was happening, maybe a pull here and there. Before I knew it it had crossed an invisible line and landed in the world of furniture too-far-gone in spite of the proliferation of hideously ugly cat-scratching paraphernalia that I tolerate all over my house. My two monsters just laughed as they exercised their complete right to do whatever they pleased – because that’s what cats do.
When the sofa finally slid into complete embarrassment it was time to act, and I was at a loss as to what I could buy that they wouldn’t like scratching. HA! Cats are extremely habitual and if they’re already used to scratching your sofa, you are doomed. I agreed not to look at anything with a texture like linen (which broke my heart and made me want to drown both of them) and since I like velvet and had read somewhere that cats don’t like the way it feels on their paws, I decided to try it.
The sofa arrived and we waited, and watched, put lots of blankets on it and basically sweat it out. And then a miracle happened. I was looking for some chairs at Room and Board and my sales lady and I struck up a conversation that somehow veered into talking about pets and furniture destruction. I told her my tale of woe and she stopped me in mid-sentence with her hand out like a traffic cop and said, “I’m about to change your life.” Wow, I thought, and she went away and came back with a piece of paper with one word on it - SSScat. She told me that a complete genius had invented this thing that is basically a can of compressed air with a motion detector on top. You turn it on, aim it in the direction of where you don’t want your cat to go, and when your cat breaks the invisible motion line it emits a non-toxic, non-harmful but very startling spray of air and basically scares the shit out of them.
Naturally, I was skeptical because I've tried all of the tricks and none of them have EVER worked. I’ve heard of double-stick tape, tin foil, balloons, water guns, you name it, to keep cats away from things. Cats are smart, and they are determined, and they WANT to make a fool of you because they are actually superior to us in almost every way except that they walk around with their asses on display. But back to the miracle. So I decided to give it a shot and I ordered a can from a site called Drs. Foster and Smith. When it arrived, I put it in position behind the sofa and waited for the fun to begin. I have to admit that while I’ve never caught my cats getting sprayed (and BOY do I wish I had), we did hear it go off and in no time they were doing everything they could to avoid that can like the plague. I could smell victory.
It’s now several cans and almost a year later and I am happy to report that everywhere I don’t want them to go, they don’t. In fact, I don’t even replace the can when the air runs out anymore because I don’t have to. As I said, cats are smart and they are not going to subject themselves to repeated humiliation if they don’t have to. And I have a beautiful, velvet sofa with nary a spot on it thanks to a wonderful woman who actually did change my life. So if you have naughty ones like me, get yourself some SSScat. And please check out this video of another believer who didn’t want his cat on the kitchen counter. Proof that revenge can be sweet AND hilarious.